Your life is a movie and you are the image-maker
My dearest souls and kindest lovers,
I'm having a really tough time being vulnerable these days. Every time I think I've opened up and allowed myself to tune in to love, something in the back of my mind shoots me a painful reminder and, before I know it, I've got my walls up again. I depend on those guards of protection to keep building higher so that no love or hurt can ever make its way in or out of these chambers.
To my disappointment every single time, I watch the world fade away and the people I love drift further away from my embrace. In my head, I battle a war between letting myself love and fearing I can't do it. And, in the moment, it feels like there's nothing I can do to stop myself from making the decisions that hinder my dreams.
It feels like I'm at a fork in the road and everything, but my own Self, is pulling me in different directions. I rise and heal my own fears for five minutes, then spend the next two hours fearing everyone that comes in contact with me as if they're some kind of stranger in a world I've never been to.
I practice, relentlessly, tuning in to the love I know I am and I heal myself without knowing when this battle will end. But everytime I think I've gotten somewhere or that I've climbed high enough into the vibrations of love, I fall right back to the bottom of that pit, where everything feels like nothing.
Poetic, isn't it? I tried finding the words to describe how I felt all day, but nothing could be mustered, written, or told. Instead, I cried and secluded myself all day long, finding peace in some moments then running straight back to darkness in others.
It sucked the absolute life out of me, but it also taught me one very important lesson: your projection ends up being your perception.
Most of my downfalls came from worrying about my progress, debating whether I'm productive enough or if I'm in the right place in my life, and terrorizing myself about specific outcomes or decisions I need to make. I spent most of the day calculating everyone's opinion of me and fighting the thought that I had to be there for others when the truth is I needed to be there for myself.
What I learned is that whatever goes unhealed will continue to project itself in your unconscious, tainting every part of your life until there is nothing left but for you to change the story you're telling yourself.
When your mind is afraid of something or believes that a thought in your psyche is true, it will inflict the very thoughts of that wounded nature onto everything in your life.
The beliefs we hold in every area of our life project themselves on all the stories we tell ourself and the energy stored in each of those thoughts hold us back from feeling better.
Let's say you're afraid to fall in love. You've had a series of bad relationships in the past and heard too many breakup tales that have wounded your perception of 'happily ever after.' Whatever experiences have yet to be healed are stored deep in your DNA and will continue to reproduce themselves at the rate which you are thinking of them. Whenever those patterns are triggered, you will project the very thoughts and energy that match those experiences and your mind will only perceive what you are telling yourself.
See it as a script. Your mind is running a storyline (or a movie, if that's what you call it.) If you keep telling yourself the same old tales, your mind has no other option than to project and perceive those very scenes.
You can tell yourself that you're in a horror movie, a drama, or a love story. Either way, you're telling your mind something and that is precisely what you will see.
You've become aware that your unconscious mind is stuck re-projecting a scene that you're tired of watching. Don't fret, it truly doesn't know any better. It's bringing to surface old energy to help you heal and move on with your life. But, if you keep watching that scene and adding more to the script, what do you expect to project and perceive in your life?
So, I found out I was projecting a lot of crummy, old tales. I'm tired of watching them because I've got a better script in mind.
I've had enough with the same old story, re-writing itself in different ways. And, I'm ready to pause the projector and add in a new storyline.
Most of us can only see the movie we have made. But, so little recognize that we are the image-maker.
Maybe today's suffering gave me a cold-hard glimpse of the movie I've been projecting.
I realized that a combination of old fears and shitty memories are not the story I want to tell.
Instead, I think I'm ready to start writing a new storyline for the next time I start projecting. Whenever the old script comes up again, instead of unconsciously acting on it, projecting it onto my world and perceiving it all around me, I am going to pause that projector and re-write an entirely different storyline.
It'll be a lot like this blog post, which may have started out a little rough, but since I stuck around long enough and decided to write something better, I realized it had a very happy ending.