Healing 'In Love' | 6 Universal Truths about Relationships
I recently realized that developing yourself as a writer means finding your tone, defining your approach, and just writing whatever comes to the heart.
I thought that, since I was trying to write from a place of pure authenticity, I'd type up a post on a topic I do hold close to my heart... my relationship.
There are so many blog posts I wanted to write about this area of my life because most of my healing has come from deeply important lessons that I learned in my love-life. Weirdly enough, I never got around to it because I'm continuously learning these lessons over and over again, and I didn't think it would be my place to advise anyone on how to live their love-life... Lol. [Meanwhile, I advise people on how to live their life... AND I’M CONSTANTLY LEARNING IN THIS AREA...LOL]
Either way, there have been so many important things I've learned about my healing while being in a relationship.
1: You're in charge of your happiness.
For one, you're in charge of your happiness before anything. I know any couple will tell you this and that you've probably read this in Cosmopolitan magazine countless times, but there's nothing like the truth, my friend. And, the truth is... no one will make you happy if you're not happy on your own.
This was the first lesson I ever learned in my relationships. Coming from a place of turbulence, grief, and fear, myself, being happy on my own was never at the forefront of my mind. I learned, in my current relationship, however, that being happy on your account is the pillar of any romantic success or failure. So, no matter what you gotta do, whether that's time to yourself, time for healing, space for personal growth, or whatever; you gotta do what you gotta do on your own free will to be happy for yourself before anything.
It was my sad mistake to rely on any partner, in my life, to contribute to my happiness. While I do believe that a good relationship can make you even happier, you can't bank on anyone to change your moods, especially if you're in a bad one. So, take it upon yourself.
I won't say that your relationship is destined to doom if you're not already happy within yourself. But, I will tell you that any emotional state is magnified when there are two people involved, not just one. If you can't be happy with yourself on the good and bad days, you don't want to imagine what it will be like with another human's emotional roller coasters on the daily.
Be happy on your own, before anything else, and the rest of love will follow.
2: Define your ABSOLUTE Needs. Compromise the little things.
When I tell you this, I'm speaking about your core values, wants, and needs, in life. When you're in a relationship, you're sharing a part of your life with someone else. In my experience, I have lived with my hubby since I left high school and moved in at the age of 16. There have been so many little wants and desires that I had to compromise when it came to living with another human being. But, when I tell you that the only way your relationship will survive is if your CORE Values and Needs are met. [And, see it that we’ve lasted so long, I would say mission accomplished.]
Here's what I mean. There have always been a few things that I wanted to do with my partner. Going on dates, time together at night, exercising together, and whatnot. But, there is also a list of ABSOLUTE needs that, if not met, it just wouldn't work out. If you're someone who needs a partner to share specific values, make time for particular activities, and someone who needs a common ground on a topic, those uncompromising needs must be met or your relationship just won't work.
For example, I need you to go out for walks with me. Casual strolls are the epitome of my existence. Most of my walks, I'll enjoy on my own, while others I'm expecting you to come with me. Another thing is that I never want my partner to put down my beliefs. Understandably, you have your ideologies, and for that, I will appreciate our differences and we will progress in our mindset about life together, but it is a CORE NEED that you never put down my relationship to God. Things like being treated right, respected, being kind and ready for growth are other foundations that are essential to a relationship.
My best advice? Find out what those core needs are for you before you enter a relationship. This will be a filter for you, and the other - smaller things can be spoken about, lived with, or improved on during your time together. Then, you’ll make time to talk about them and set your expectations straight.
3: Be in your relationship for the right reasons.
This is a pretty big one for me because I've suffered a lot of bad relationships due to personal issues and a lack of self-awareness. When I tell you that you should think twice about why you're with a person, it's because it will reveal to you a whole new dimension of fears and desires. When you're with someone, it's because you enjoy them, you have a good friendship and connection together, and you like this person to share part of your life with. If, on the other hand, you realize you're afraid to be alone, or you're with someone for their material or physical appearance, likely these things will disappoint you.
What I learned from being in a relationship of 6 years, and living with my s/o for five of those years, is that everything on the outside will change, it's your love for yourself, the person, and who you are together that will keep you going when everything else falls short. Truth is, my boyfriend and I have gone through every issue in the book. From losing friends to losing money, losing weight and even gaining some; from questioning our realities to losing our minds, and everything in between... Nothing will withstand the storms of life and time like being with the person you love, because you love them... for them. I can't tell you how many times I thought I wanted to change my partner, and how many times I changed myself. What helped us come to a place of actual love and intimacy was the vulnerability that came with actually loving someone for the right reasons.
And, trust me, there were times I believed I loved my partner for the life he promised, the body he had, and all the pretty words he told me. But, when all those things fell short... one thing was left, and that's how much I appreciated who he was (and who we were), period.
4: Heal your traumas
One of the last things I want to share for developing a solid relationship is to heal all the shit that will hold you back from actually falling in love.
I can't tell you how many traumatic relationships I've had, all the horrible childhood beliefs I've carried about love and relationships, and not to mention, the fair share of bad memories with boys and girls that hurt me. What I can tell you though, is that if it doesn't bring you closer, it's pulling you apart. And, the thoughts, the beliefs, and the emotions you carry about how relationships work will either build or break your relationship.
So, with that said, keep doing your inner work. Don't let nostalgia fool you, trust me. Don't cave into exes, let go of who hurt you and what you gathered from it. Instead, focus on healing yourself period. Release and re-program any beliefs that keep you from feeling safe and loved, so that you can open yourself to something new, authentic, and intimate.
I've had years of healing and can honestly say I still have a LONG way to go. I still notice how my relationship suffers from my fears of the future and hurts of the past. I still blame my partner for things that happened to me years ago, and he doesn't even know what I'm talking about. So, no matter who your partner is, whether you’re single or in a relationship - for any matter, heal yourself.
Then you can be yourself, and let them be them while loving yourself and loving your partner... without the past getting in the way.
5: Know who you're getting yourself into.
They say you gotta know what you're getting yourself into, I say you gotta know WHO you're getting yourself into. People don't change. And, sure it's coming from someone who's barely a quarter of a century old, but I've heard it, seen it, and proved it countless times over. It's the truth.
Yes, people do grow and yes, some people do change. But, if you're getting into a relationship with someone who's proven to be a cheater, someone who is verbally or physically abusive; if you're aware that there are illnesses or addictions that this person suffers from, be prepared to live with it, or leave it.
I tell you this because I know who I am. Five years ago, I was one girl. I had quirks, personalities, moods, and a whole lot of thoughts, beliefs, and ideas. Today, I'm that same girl. And, while I've healed tremendously and changed for the better, I know that I sometimes deal with the same hurdles and challenges. And, look, again... I'm not saying that because they've got an issue now, they'll always be that way. It's possible to outgrow a lot of things you once had or were. It's possible you even break the patterns you once lived by through conscious awareness and a whole lotta J-E-S-U-S.
But, people are people; people are themselves. And, if you can't love a person for who they are now, you never will.
So, guys. I'm no expert at this by any means, nor will I claim by it. I deal with issues that hold me back from loving fully all the time, and my relationship might never be perfect. But, what I've learned by loving a man with all my heart [and living with him since I was a young woman] is that there are universal truths to cultivating any meaningful relationship.
6. The Most Important Relationship (You and God.)
My last tip, the universal number one, is to first begin with yourself. Love yourself. Take yourself out on dates and love your own company. Marry yourself and dedicate your life and your love to God first. Vow to yourself in sickness and health, commit to your being and to the Life that has created you that you will always remain loyal to your Self and God, first. Without the primary foundations of your love being solid, everything else will crumble.
I hope this was useful in giving you some good direction and love to fill your heart.
I haven't written a post like this, ever, but I feel like it's a good place to start. I wrote from my heart on this one, so thanks to God and my little Self for that.
I hope you guys enjoyed it and will be open enough to tell me some of your universal truths in love. With all said and done, I wish you a lifetime of cultivating love, being vulnerable, nurturing connections, forgiving over and over again, and always ALWAYS loving yourself first.
All MY Love,