Stop fooling yourself. Needing people is okay.
Hey beautiful readers,
I started this post in grief and in honor of a deep lesson that I just learned.
Obviously, at first, it didn't seem that way. I didn't know I'd learn something valuable, I just thought the world turned against me. And, I fought with myself over and over again... until I finally got it.
I started writing this post because I got into an argument with a loved one. What started as a dumb argument over who was doing the dishes, quickly turned into a compassionate understanding of who I am... and who the other person is.
The thing is... I have this really bad habit of over-doing for people. I always thought my only way of proving myself was to do more for others, and eventually, they might do something for me. That looks something along the lines of cleaning up everybody's mess, trying to change my plans to accommodate others, being the first person to help when no one else cares, and doing a hundred different tasks for the people I care for ... in exchange for one single thing in return… And, well. I'm sick of it.
I realized you can't just do everything for others and expect to get anything in return. Some people just don't work like that.
I dug a little deeper, because honestly I didn't get it, and I found that my overly-trying-to-please-everybody nature was just fucking me over. (Oh, yes. Pardon my french.) The thing is, it really effing hurt me to know how much I gave and how difficult it was for me to get the slightest bit back. Most people saw it their way, and I get that, but it just made me tired of giving all the time and fighting so hard to get back.
So, today, I put up a fight. And, unfortunately, it didn't get me where I wanted it to. I ended up proving myself wrong (big whup) and hurting this person as a result.
But, what it did do, was teach me about myself... and teach me about who I was dealing with.
For one, I realized that it really isn't too much to ask for some help sometimes. But, if you're asking the wrong person, or worse, at the wrong time, you're really not gonna get much out of it. Instead, you might end up getting hurt because you took it the wrong way. So, don't tally your efforts. Just give because you want to give and stop expecting anybody to give back. Actually, you know what? No. That's wrong. Expect to get back half of the slightest shred of effort that you give out. Because if you don't, you'll be giving and giving and giving until your empty, and no one is going to appreciate you because they're going to take your effort for granted. So you know what? Give because you want to give and because it's your character to do good for people... but this time, start expecting a little effort back.
But instead of bottling everything in and quietly doing your good, tell the people HOW you want to receive their effort in return. Speak up about it. Because, honestly, we're all different. The way you help others might not be the way they feel appreciated or helped. So, if you tell them that this is what you do to show your gratitude, you can ask them in what ways they will recognize your effort, AND TELL THEM HOW YOU LIKE TO BE TREATED IN RETURN. Finally, they'll see the signs of your effort and might be more inclined to give back in the way that makes you feel appreciated.
But, number two is that some people just believe they have to do it all alone. It's not your fault if they don't see how much you try, because they're used to having to do all the big things on their own.
To be honest, I think it's quite sad... and I think people need to put their pride aside and let go a little, but well... some people just think they're alone in the world and that they can't rely on anyone to help them. So, they might get mad when you ask for help because, even though you're doing the most you can for them, they might not know how to handle giving it back because they're not asking for help on your behalf and they don't even think they can ask either.
So, here's what I've got to say. If you're one of those people who carry the burden of believing you're alone in this world and that you can't ask for help; whether it's a matter of pride, or lack of support, shitty beliefs, or whatever, if you need help - just ask for it. You were never meant to do this alone. And, that's the truth. I say this to my loved ones all the time; we each have different strengths, weaknesses, lacks, and qualities. We were made to complement each other and fit the gaps that our counterparts don't possess. But, you literally weren't made to do it all. So, doing your part is good enough.
But, to my people out there… To those who are like me, trying to do what they can for themselves while overcompensating so they can finally believe they deserve some help in return... STOP. Stop over-giving and feeling so guilty for asking for some help or support. I know you're doing more than you can, on your fucking own, so that you don't have to ask anyone for help. I know you're giving away too much of yourself because you think what you've already given isn't enough. It is.
But, if you're asking for help, ask the right people. Nothing feels more heart-breaking than asking someone you've given way too much to and them making you feel guilty for what you're expecting. If you know you've done your part and you're asking for some effort, don't let anyone make you feel less than what you've given.
Some people live with the belief that they can't ask for help and so they'll get upset when you give and ask in return. It's not your fault. If you feel like you really can't ask them, don't. Find someone who is more than willing to give you a hand. Find someone who will appreciate what you're already doing and who wants to add to that effort for the ultimate results.
I won't resent anyone for not being able to see, accept, or recognize my effort. Matter of fact, I won't even give my energy anymore to someone who simply can't give back what I'm asking for. I think what I learned, however, is to give to myself first. Give to yourself first so that you have more than enough love and support to give away. Then, give from a place of over-spilling love so that even if you can't receive in return, you weren't taking from your own precious supply to someone who couldn't offer you anything back. Another thing I learned is just to be grateful for what you get. I realized, first hand, that sometimes the people with the least will aim to give you the most. Cherish those fucking people. Recognize that not everything you've been given is what you expect, but sometimes it's all that person has [to offer.]
I'll try to be more grateful for what I am given. I didn't realize that sometimes what you're being handed is all that person can offer, and they might not know how to give anything else. But, most importantly, I'll recognize that I don't have to do everything alone and that it's okay to ask for help in the areas I just don't have what it takes.
This was a rant. In case you didn't notice. It strayed far beyond my traditional blog post, and to be honest, I don't know how well it will do. But I learned something tremendously valuable from giving too much and expecting too little, as well as how to deal with the people that just don't know how to ask.
If you're in the crowd of any of these people, I hope this was helpful. It's okay to give. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to even receive help, for that matter. It doesn't make you more or less, in any of these cases... it just makes you human.
Thanks for reading.