The Pain and the Reward of Healing | How to Feel all that Heavy Emotional "Stuff"
Ah, feeling our feelings. The most painful, terrifying, yet beautiful things we can do. I don't know how to type up this post without feeling a lot of that emotional stuff, for myself, especially when I'm writing this for someone whom I deeply love.
It's really hard to talk about this topic, especially when it comes to helping someone you care for. Most of us will think, "just do what I did" or "stop avoiding and just get started." But, honestly, I just don't know if it's my place... or if I even could contribute… where would I start?
I could have written this post about how to sit with painful emotions, or how to feel your feelings so you can finally let them go, but it's not nearly as simple as I thought. At first, I honestly believed I could recall the step-by-step process of how I overcame the worst decade of my life, or how I maneuvered my way into healing the deepest traumas my life has ever known; but I'm sitting here, wondering how I could tell you that it's going to be okay, especially if, for myself I don’t even know yet.
The truth is, healing is messy and, in no way, is it linear. You can face last year's issues, then feel the pain of your deepest childhood wounds, and come back facing your fears of every emotional rejection you ever encountered. I wouldn't know what to tell you, even if (or, in this case, even though) I know your life story.
I wish I could take that pain from you, or the panic you feel, and the fears you have. In the deepest part of my being, I wish I could heal you without you having to go through it yourself. But, that's the thing... I wouldn't make you strong if I did any of that. So, instead, I just have to be there for you in the best way that I can; leading by example, showing you that your deepest fears are only a calling for the deepest love you can create for yourself. I just can't do the difficult part for you.
If someone told me years ago that the person that helped me heal would be the person that needed my help all these years later, I would just start by calling you "crazy." That word, crazy, had me by its grip for longer than I ever thought possible. I identified with it daily, I felt every ounce of its energy, and sooner or later, I became crazy because I believed I was, and that's where I started healing.
I didn't want to be crazy anymore. I didn't want to be sick in my head or paralyzed. I didn't want to be bipolar, or disordered, or anxious any longer. But, the promise I made myself to avoid being all those things is exactly what made me sick in the first place.
To anyone. Whether you're noticing your fear now, or you've noticed it for a while. If your journey is starting today, or a loved one’s begins tomorrow. Here is what I want to say to you.
FEEL HOW SHITTY EVERYTHING IS. FEEL HOW FUCKING TERRIFIED YOU ARE, AND FEEL THE DEEPEST PAIN YOUR HEART HAS EVER KNOWN. BE SCARED, AND FEEL IT ANYWAY. FEEL THE NEED FOR A DEEP AVOIDANCE, AND FEEL IT ANYWAYS.
I used to have dreams that I couldn't see, walk, or drive straight. I've been blind in my mind, paralyzed by fear, and crashing into every hurt I could have ever known. I tried running away, with no chance of moving. I've tried avoiding and consuming to fill the gap in my heart that was only ever to be filled by my love.
I can't tell you that it will work, or that it will be easy, or that you won't be in constant terror, even when you've become as happy as you’d ever imagined.
The truth is, our fears never go away. We're constantly battling one thing after another, and it will continue until death does us part. But, that is where the absolute deepest love, healing, joy, and freedom will come.
You'll learn... I hope... That your panic, your pain, your fears, and your hurts were never to be avoided or run away from. They are your path back home... to yourself.
I have seen the darkest days of my life, some of which I can't compare to what others have gone through. I have reached the absolute rock bottom. And, yes, I have drugged myself up and tried to numb the pain... All of this as part of the journey that has led me back to myself.
Your pain and your fears are nothing to run away from. Trust me, as someone who was once in the seat you may be sitting in now.
I can't tell you when, or how, or what to do, but I can tell you that avoidance is the only thing you should be afraid of. Your fears, while they hurt and they terrorize you even in paradise, are only there to show you the way to healing and claiming back the love you once lost.
I've had to heal rape. I've had to heal abandonment. I've had to heal being robbed of the very soul that is my being, and learn how to get it back. I've had to lose myself, and break myself, lose every concept of reality that I ever carried; and, to this day, while I'm at the very happiest I've ever been, I still need to heal the things that keep me from loving deeply and unconditionally.
I don't know what to tell you, because I realized that the answers you're looking for will only ever remain within yourself.
I love you so deeply, and I would give anything to help you heal what you're going through. But, straight up... that healing... those fears... the crumbling of every wall you've ever built and every lie you've ever told yourself... is the fun part of Life. While it will never feel like it, overcoming what keeps you unhappy is the true purpose of cultivating joy, in life. It is exactly what will set you free.
So, feel it, baby. It's nothing to be afraid of. Every demon we've ever carried is only the direction back to the love we need to give ourselves.
And, happy healing.